A Week To Myself

Spending the past week in Edinburgh has helped me sort out some issues of mine.

I spent a lot of my days just wandering around the city taking it in. Of course, being the socially insular person that I am, I never went anywhere without my iPod. Not only was this to escape the risk that I may have to actually speak to someone, but I also had accrued a large backlog of podcasts which I'd hoped to get through.

On those daily wanders through the city (which, if you haven’t been, is quite lovely.) I made a realisation. Well over half of the people I came across were wearing earphones and headphones. They all had their eyes on the ground, rarely looking ahead, merely scanning the immediate area for obstacles they may trip across. They were all avoiding each others gaze. Their walk was a necessary evil they had to face to reach a class, a meeting or whatever they were heading to.

For a long time I closed myself off from the world. I rarely went out on weekends and when I did, it usually ended with…well, I’m not sure how many of them ended because I’d have taken in so much the demon drink to try and offset my anxieties that I had no recollection of how I got home.

I grew up in a small-ish town. Everyone knew each other and if you passed someone on the street, they’d either know you or know your parents so a ‘hello’ wasn’t out of the question. In a big city like Edinburgh however, you’d find it hard to meet anyone’s gaze or even acknowledge their existence.

This made me realise how normal I am. The reason it’s so difficult for me to socialise is simply because I’m out of practice. At some point in my life, I got the idea that the embarrassment I felt whenever I made some sort of ‘faux pas’ was to be avoided at all costs. This eventually led to me staying in and avoiding social situations where possible.

Edinburgh was the first holiday I’d ever taken alone. I saw it as a chance to block out all of the external noise I usually endure, worrying about whether people I know see me trip up, planning my day around everyone else’s schedules and just be me.

I went out to a couple of bars and got chatting to some of the locals. They weren’t bothered by my intrusion, they weren’t looking for some way to make fun of me. They actually enjoyed my company. And I enjoyed theirs.

This revelation has had a phenomenal effect on me. I actually feel like walking up to strangers and starting a conversation. My confidence has skyrocketed and I don’t feel like the awkward gimboid I felt like before. (Well, not as much J)

There were some other cool people I met during that holiday but that needs a post of its own. ;)